Snow Stephanie and the Seven Merry Men
by DayDreaminDeb
Summary: Stephanie is lost in another dimension. She keeps finding her way into places she doesn't belong. This is an eventual Babe with no Cake. Rated T for suggestive and scary scenes. This is keeping me busy while my other muse is napping. Have fun.
1. Chapter 1

Nothing is mine. All of it belongs to Janet Evanovich, the late Brothers Grimm and Disney. I'm just playing around with it. I am receiving no monetary or other compensation. Just having a laugh. Laugh with me. :)

* * *

Okay, I'm used to having weird things happen to me. I'm Stephanie Plum. Weird things happen to me all the time. It's my life. But this morning, things are weirder than usual. This morning when I woke up I was living in a castle.

"Good morning Your Highness," Ella smiled sweetly as she entered the bedroom. "Did you sleep well?"

"Er…sure," I frowned and looked around at the stone walls. "Er…Ella, where am I?"

"In your bed chamber in your father's castle ma'am," she studied me a moment. "Are you feeling well Princess Stephanie?"

I blinked, "I…I don't know."

"Perhaps you need more sleep. Your stepmother is asking for you. I'll tell her that you're unwell."

"My stepmother," I said wide-eyed.

"Yes ma'am, Queen Joyce," she nodded. "She's in a fowl temper this morning my lady."

"Of course she is," I grimaced. "She's just going to have to wait to see me though."

"Shall I send your ladies maids in to help you dress?"

"Er…sure," I agreed.

I found the chamber pot and grimaced. This was not happening to me. I went to bed and it was 2008 and I wake up and I've tripped right over the damn rainbow again. Oh crap, I groaned to myself, I've been shot again. I'm in the friggin hospital. I sure hope I live. I used the chamber pot and sighed. There was no way to flush it. Some poor soul was going to have to deal with that.

Lula and Connie came scurrying into the room, "morning your highness."

"Good morning," I grinned. Okay, there could be some amusing things about this. I could boss Lula and Connie around. This could be fun.

"Queen Joyce is waiting miss," Lula scurried to the closet.

"I don't care," I said flopping back onto the feather bed.

They both looked at me aghast. "But miss, you know what an evil temper she has."

"Really," my eyes narrowed. "What is she going to do to me? Will she make me eat a poison apple and send me off to the woods with a hunter who's supposed to kill me and leave me for the animals to munch on."

They blinked at me.

"Or maybe not," I shrugged. "Why is she in such a foul temper?"

"Your father left for France almost a year ago. Methinks she worries," Connie said calmly going to the wardrobe and pulling out a blue dress. "This makes your eyes stand out highness."

"Very well," I nodded. First they had the bath brought in and I was bathed. Okay, that was a little creepy. They touched places on me that Joe hadn't even touched. Okay…Ranger had touched them. I blushed at the thought.

They dressed me and then I sat at my dressing table while Lula tamed the curls into submission on top of my head.

"Prince Ricardo is not going to be able to resist you," she sighed.

"When is…this Prince Ricardo due to arrive," I asked.

"Today ma'am," they blinked at me in shock. "You haven't forgotten have you? You're to marry him tomorrow. Your father arranged it."

"My father did," I said with a sigh. "Of course, he did."

The chamber door was flung open and Joyce Barnhardt came storming in. Her hair was piled up on her head Jersey style and her green eyes were fairly flaming.

"I told that servant that I wished to see you hours ago."

I shook my head, "I was not dressed. It would have been inappropriate for me to go running around the castle in my night things…wouldn't it?"

She glared at me, "you're dressed now."

"So I am," I got to my feet. What may I do for Stepmother dearest?"

Her eyes narrowed, "I need you to go with Vincent into the woods and find me some rare herbs."

"Can't Vincent do it without my help?"

"I think you'd recognize the herbs I need faster than he. He's not so bright," she shook her head wearily.

"Your Majesty…the Prince has arrived," a servant said excitedly from the doorway.

"Well…it appears that it will have to wait," I said with a small smile. "I believe my betrothed has arrived.

She flounced out of the room in a huff and I followed with a smile. So she was sending me off into the woods to be murdered. Curses…foiled again. She really needed to learn to plan these things better. But then again, it was my dream or hallucination or whatever it was so I could win. As I started down the steps I realized that Prince Ricardo would probably be Ranger. Who else would I cast as my Prince Charming?

I followed Joyce across the marble floor to where Ranger…or Prince Ricardo was waiting.

"Prince Ricardo," she said effusively, "welcome to our home."

"I am pleased to be here," he said coolly. His eyes drifted over her once and he dismissed her as unimportant. Oh yea, even in my fantasies he was not going to take any crap off of Joyce. "I'm anxious to meet my bride."

"Of course," she said dourly. "Stephanie…come here."

I rolled my eyes and took a couple of steps forward. Joyce groaned, "bow you imbecile."

"Why should I bow," I blinked. "I'm a princess, he's a prince."

A small smile turned the corner's of his mouth up.

"Indeed," he said quietly. "You are the Princess Stephanie?"

I nodded, "I am. You are Prince Ricardo?"

"I am," he agreed.

"A pleasure to meet you," I said offering him my hand.

"It is mine," he said taking my hand and tucking it into his arm, "walk with me."

"Of course," I agreed.

We strolled outside to the gardens and walked for a bit. "Did you agree to this marriage?"

"I'm not sure I had a choice," I shrugged. "But I'm certain you'll make a good husband."

"I'm not sure that's true. My country is at war constantly. I'm...a warrior."

"Of course," I smiled to myself. "Your life doesn't lend itself to relationships."

He frowned at me thoughtfully, "but I need an heir. You are of acceptable pedigree."

"Oh gee thanks," I rolled my eyes again.

"Do you not wish to marry," he raised a brow.

"It's not number one on my list of things to do," I admitted.

"What is this list?"

"Never mind," I sighed. "My father has arranged the marriage. I'll marry you."

"You are quite lovely," he said quietly and when he rounded a line of high hedges he pulled me tight against him. "But do you have passion?"

"We'll find out," I said softly as his eyes studied my lips.

"Now…we'll find out now," he hissed and his mouth crashed down on mine.

Okay…I'm not going to say that it was one of those romance novel moments, but I swear to you I went up on tiptoes and my knee bent and my foot was up. It was weird.

He lifted his head and scattered soft kisses over my mouth, "oh yes…you'll do." He took a deep breath and we started back toward the house. He walked into the house. "We'll marry tomorrow at noon and leave for Spain immediately. Have her ready."

"Of course," Joyce nodded. "Of course," she said again to his retreating back.

"That was simple," I said touching my bruised lips.

Her eyes narrowed on me, "you'll go with Vincent now."

"Sure…why not," I agreed. "It's my dream."

"What," she blinked.

"Nothing," I said taking my cloak from Lula. "You have a lot to learn about dreams Joyce."

She glared at me and I went back outside to where Vinnie was waiting with a horse and wagon. Vinnie…of course he's her servant. She probably pays him sheep or something.

He took me into the woods and as I bent to look at some herbs he pulled the knife.

"You know it won't work Vinnie," I said seriously. "Do you really think that either my father or Prince Ricardo won't try to find me? And when they do find my bloody corpse, don't you think they'll know I died of stab wounds and not from wild animal bites. Get real…this won't work."

"If you go back to the castle she'll kill you Princess," he said seriously.

"Then I won't go back," I shrugged.

"It is done," he put the knife up and left me alone in the woods.

I wasn't sure how the woodsman's life ended, but I had a feeling he got his comeuppance. I started walking and found a stream and eventually as it got dark I found a house. The house by the stream was large. I knocked on the door and no one answered.

I walked through the messy house scattered with dirty clothes and dishes and made a face. It was clear that men lived there. There were muskets everywhere. Upstairs was a large room with seven large beds. There were names carved at the end of each one…Tank, Lester, Bobby, Ram, Hal, Cal and Woody. Great, I grinned climbing up onto Lester's bed sleepily. I found the Merry Men.


	2. Chapter 2

Nothing is mine. All of it belongs to Janet Evanovich, the late Brothers Grimm and Disney. I'm just playing around with it. I am receiving no monetary or other compensation. Just having a laugh. Laugh with me. :)

* * *

I woke up some time later and heard voices. They were standing over me and whispering.

"I think I should get to keep her," Lester whispered. "She's in my bed."

"Why should she be yours," Woody asked. "She's in our house. She belongs to all of us."

"She doesn't belong to any of you," I said sitting up with a yawn. "By the way…you guys are slobs. If Ranger could see this place…"

"Who is this Ranger?"

"Never mind," I sighed. "So…you're like the seven dwarfs?"

"We are not Dwarfs," Tank boomed. "We are men. Nothing about us is of less than large size."

"I'll take your word for that Big Fella," I said shaking my head. "It was a Brothers Grimm reference. I don't suppose you get a lot of that here?"

"We do not know these Brothers Grimm you speak of," Bobby said quietly. "Why are you here?"

I rolled my eyes, "I am Princess Stephanie. My father married Queen Joyce and she's an evil she bitch. He's off in France doing whatever and she's at home in the castle raising hell. She doesn't like me. She has never liked me. She sent me out with Vinnie the woodsman so he'd kill me, but I convinced him that would be bad juju when my dad or my future husband Prince Ricardo got wind of it so he let me go. I couldn't go back to the castle or she'd kill me so…here I am."

"Bad juju," Ram frowned.

"He'll pay for it," I translated, "with his life. And it won't be pretty."

They nodded grimly in understanding. "So you see…here I am, alone in the woods waiting for my Prince to come." I snickered.

"Is that funny Princess," Hal asked.

"If you only knew," I sighed. "So can I hang out here or what?"

"Hang out," Cal raised a brow.

"You know…can I stay here till he finds me?"

"Well…we are miners and as you can see we do need some help here. You may help by cleaning and cooking in exchange for food and a place to sleep," Tank said seriously.

"I'm not really a good cook or anything," I said seriously, "I'm a Princess. We don't really do that sort of thing. What are you guys mining?"

"Diamonds," Lester said with a smile.

"Diamonds," I blinked, "can't I go with you and do that?"

"You are a woman," Tank said, "your place is here."

"How very Neanderthal," I rolled my eyes.

"You may start tomorrow."

"Where do I sleep," I smiled.

"You can sleep with me," Lester grinned.

"She may not," Tank said in disgust. "She is a princess and she's betrothed. She'll sleep in the other room." They showed me into another room with a single bed, a wardrobe and a window.

"This is nice," I nodded.

"You begin tomorrow," Tank said and shut me in the room.

"And not even a Tasty Cake to get me by," I sighed.

* * *

I woke up the next morning and found they were already gone. There were mountains of dishes to do and mountains of clothes to be washed and there was no chance that a single bed in that place had been changed in a hundred years. I sighed, this was some lousy dream.

I washed the dishes first, then began with the clothes. It turned out to be less work than I thought. I devised a washing machine of sorts with a barrel and some old oars. It was harder to squeeze the water out of them than to wash them.

I found a cookbook of sorts, who knew they had such a thing. The first batch of bread didn't turn out so well. You could build something with it. But the second was better and the third was much better. It was actually easier than I thought. You took a hunk of meat and some potatoes and carrots and celery and you put them all into a huge pot and you cooked it over the fire. Nothing to it.

When they returned that evening, their clothes were drying outside. The dishes were clean and supper was cooking. They ate. Nobody died. All in all, I thought it was a good first day. But no Prince Ricardo came to rescue me. How long was I going to be in this coma anyway? Did I lose a lot of blood? Maybe I was dead and this was hell. There weren't any microwaves, it was conceivably possible.

"You did a fine job," Tank said pushing back from the table after they had eaten their fill. "You are a competent cook."

"Right," I rolled my eyes. Some of the guys helped me gather the dishes and then washed them while I brought in the clothes on the line with Lester's help. I folded as we went and the guys sorted them when we got inside.

"I'm really tired," I said as I started up the stairs. "It's been a long day and my Prince didn't come."

"Have faith Princess," Lester winked at me.

"Yea," I nodded with a smile. Lester was the same even in my fantasies.

* * *

The days seemed to pass quickly and my life in the woods fell into a routine. I cooked and I cleaned and I mended their clothes. We fell into an easy rapport. Nothing new or old seemed to happen. This coma I was in was going on forever.

"Princess Stephanie…why do you think that your Prince hasn't come for you yet," Ram asked as he helped me carry out the bath water one night.

"I don't know Ram. I suppose that he could be in the wind," I shrugged.

"In the wind," he raised a brow quizzically.

"His country is at war," I sighed. "He could be busy."

"Of course," he agreed.

"Or I could be dead."

"I'm sorry miss," he blinked at me in confusion.

"Never mind," I sighed. "He's probably just busy."

"I don't understand a man who is too busy to take care of you Princess," Lester said silkily as he took the bucket from me.

"Don't you," I raised a brow. "You're too busy to help me much."

"I'm not betrothed to you," he said seriously. "If we were betrothed…I promise you that I would not be away so often."

My eyes narrowed and I smiled slightly, "I'm sure you wouldn't."

"You overstep Lester," Tank said from the doorway where he stood with his arms crossed. "The Princess is promised to another. You should remember your place."

Lester shrugged and blew me a kiss and went back into the house.

"Your Prince is in a country at war," Tank said softly.

"Yes…he is," I nodded.

"That can keep a man away from those he loves," he said quietly.

"I know. But we should have married the day after I arrived here. Did he leave without me or am I so hard to find?"

He gazed up at the stars, "Princess…I doubt that any man who is committed to you would make the conscious choice to leave you behind. I suspect he searches. I suspect he will search till you are found."

"I hope you're right," I said tiredly.

"Princess…is your worry about whether your Prince finds you or is it something else that worries you?"

"What else could worry me," I said with a forced smile.

He raised a brow.

"I'm sure it is nothing," I said. "I just grow tired."

"You grow tired earlier and earlier each day," he said gently. "Are you well?"

"I don't know," I sighed. "I just don't know."

* * *

A few days later an old woman that looked very much like Grandma Mazur showed up at my door with a basket of apples.

"Hello dearie," the old woman said.

"Hello Grandma…I mean ma'am," I bit the inside of my mouth to keep from laughing.

"This is a lovely home you have," she said.

"It's not my home," I sighed. "It's where I'm hanging out waiting for my coma to end or my Prince to come…one of those things."

She frowned, "you seem tired. One of my fresh apples will put color back into your cheeks."

I raised a brow and resisted the urge to laugh out loud, "and there's no poison in them?"

She blinked at me in shock, "of course there's no poison in them p…ma'am."

"Of course not," I shook my head and accepted the apple. "Thanks." I took a bite and promptly hit the ground.


	3. Chapter 3

Nothing is mine. All of it belongs to Janet Evanovich, the late Brothers Grimm and Disney. I'm just playing around with it. I am receiving no monetary or other compensation.

Okay this chapter didn't turn out quite as funny as I originally intended it. Sometimes a day just goes a certain way and funny flies out the window and learning something about myself takes over. That's what happened in this chapter. I'm sorry I didn't make it all a laugh. But hopefully the ending will make up for it.

* * *

The thing about being in a coma is that it's a great expanse of nothingness. Sometimes I can hear things going on around me. Sometimes I'm just out cold. Sometimes I can feel more than I can hear. Today I hear the Merry Men. They are all around me searching for signs of life.

I can hear a voice saying 'it's too late. There's nothing anyone can do.' I wonder, is this in my fantasy world or the real world. Is it too late? Is there nothing I can do? My mind drifts. How did my life get to be such a mess? I'm in a job that I love but I'm not particularly good at. I'm lucky at it, but I'm definitely not good at it. How ironic is it that I'm in this coma not because of my job, but because some moron doesn't obey traffic signals. There goes another car down the crapper. Oh damn it, my insurance rates are going to go up...again!

Joe would love that. I mean he would love that if we were together. I'd never hear the end of this. How could I have been in a relationship with a man who didn't give me the right to be me? But now that's over. Morelli is gone from my life in that way, but I loved him. He was important to me. How did that get so screwed up? Why was I with him in the first place? Was it all about the sex? My damn Hungarian hormones are going to be the death of me. Funny Steph...

Speaking of Hungarian... There's my crazy dysfunctional family that I adore, but they also don't give me the right to be me. Why is it okay for them, but not okay for Joe? Maybe it's because I have a choice about Joe. Joe's Italian though. My Dad is Italian and he doesn't try to tell me how to live my life. He just wants me to buy American. It's not too much too ask. It's the crazy Hungarian side that wants me to change. Okay no...that's not right either. It's Mom. She just wants me to be safe. That's a Mom's job. That's why it's okay for her and not okay for Joe.

And there's Ranger…I can feel the need to sigh even though I realize that I'm not anywhere near a level of being aware of the world. I love him. I'm in love with him. But I have to ask myself if I'm putting the same restrictions on him that Joe put on me? Am I telling him to change his life to be with me or else? That's ridiculous! Who gives Batman ultimatums? It's sure not me. Is he putting those restrictions on me? I guess not. I mean he wants me to carry my gun and he wants me to eat healthier and he wants me to keep my GPS on me, but he doesn't tell me to quit my job. Maybe he's putting restrictions on himself? I don't know.

I hear the Merry Men again. I hear crying. I wonder which of them would cry. In real life I can't imagine any of them crying. I can't imagine Ranger crying. I wonder if I have compartmentalized them and removed their humanity. Have I packaged them all into neat little boxes? Have I labeled them as being something that is so one dimensional that they can't be more? How many of them have wives or children or girlfriends? How many of them have mother's they call once a week? Do they miss home cooking? Do they go see funny movies? Maybe I should take the time to get to know them. If they're anything like they are in my fantasy world they could be some really fun guys. They would be slobs, but they would be fun. it's something to think about.

Oh wait, the crying sounds like my Mother. I want to tell her that it will be all right. I want to tell her that everything will be okay. But the truth is, I don't know. I'm so very, very tired and I have a feeling that as odds of getting back into my real world go…they're not so good. Maybe I should stick to my fantasy world. On the other hand, it's just as screwed up. Why is Joyce Barnhardt in my fantasy world? For God's sake, couldn't I just dream of something nice like having babies with Ranger and... Oh crap...where did that come from?

The voices get louder and I feel myself being lifted off the ground and I'm being carried. I want to tell them that I'm fine. But I know that I'm not.

They put me there in the field. What is the friggin difference whether the woodsman left me to be eaten by wild animals or if they do it? Geez! Wait a minute! In the story Prince Charming comes along and kisses her and she wakes up and they live happily ever after.

Hah! Happily ever after! What a load of crap! Who lives happily ever after? I guess Grandma and Grandpa Mazur lived pretty happily, but there sure wasn't an ever after to it. Why does anyone put themselves through marriage and having a family anyway? Don't they know that someday they're going to end up alone? Like Grandma Mazur. Sure, she talks a big show, but I know that she cries at night sometimes. She misses Grandpa. She misses him.

Then there's Valerie and her first husband or hell, come to that...how about my own scumbag first husband. Tell me how that's happily ever after. On the other hand, didn't I know better than anyone that I was **settling** for The Dick and he wasn't my Prince Charming anyway? Joyce can have the scumbag. I wish she'd found him before I walked down the aisle with him. They deserve each other.

Ranger…Ranger…Ranger…will he ever regret having no one to grow old with? Where did that come from? Do I really want to grow old with Ranger? I wonder if he'll lose his hair. I really like his hair. Bummer…he'll probably lose it. We would make such pretty babies. I'd love a baby with Ranger's hair and skin. Maybe they could have my eyes. I have nice eyes. Of course, Ranger has nice eyes too. I don't care. I wonder if I'll get fat when I get old or if I'll have false teeth? Maybe I'll look exactly like Grandma Mazur. Oh God, that's a scary thought. If Grandma is anything to go by…I'm not going to have to worry about growing old gracefully. Sheesh…that's probably what's really keeping Ranger from committing to me. My life doesn't lend itself to relationships my ass!

The sounds of the Merry Men and the weeping faded away and there was quiet. It was almost too much quiet, but I could feel him. The tiny hairs on the back of my neck stood up. He was there. Oh man, all the sudden I have the urge to smack myself on the head like they do in the V-8 commercial. I should have seen this one way before this. He's the only man who makes me feel that. He's the only man I've ever known that I feel that weird connection with. He's my soul mate. He's Yang to my Ying. I'm such an idiot. Maybe he doesn't know it yet.

I could hear the beeping of monitors and I knew I was aware more of the real world than the fantasy world that kept me somewhere else. I could feel him in the room. He was silent for a while. Then I felt him take my hand.

"I talked to Julie today," he said softly. "She's doing great. She got an A on that history test she was so worried about. She told me to give you her love. I told her you were in the hospital, but that she didn't have to worry. I wasn't wrong to tell her that, was I Babe?" He was silent a few moments longer. When he started talking again I could hear the strain in his voice. "I live a dangerous life. It's just my life. It's a choice I made a long time ago. I hurt some people unintentionally when I was younger and going into the military was my way of paying penance for my sins. I'd like to tell you that my hurting people ended there, but you're too smart to believe that lie and I promised myself when I started telling you things all that time ago that you'd only ever hear the truth from me."

He was quiet for a while longer. I wanted to scream. When did you start telling me things Ranger? Which world that I'm bouncing through now? Is the real world? Am I in some other screwed up dream world?

"I almost stopped coming to your place in the middle of the night to talk to you when you moved into Morelli's place most nights. I really wanted to let go Babe. I did. I just couldn't walk away. God…it just felt better to say the words out loud to you even if you didn't hear them. Sometimes I wish you weren't such a sound sleeper Babe. You'd know everything there was to know about me. You'd also know what a coward I am. If you knew how many times I told you that I loved you while you slept, you'd laugh."

He loves me? When did that happen?

He touched my hair lightly, "you've been my world for so long now. I don't know what I'll do if you leave me. Babe…I need you to wake up. I need you to be alive. I need you. I love you. Maybe my life doesn't lend itself to relationships. Maybe it's time I changed that. I promise you that if you get out of this, I'll make some changes. We can have a life together Stephanie. We can be together."

I heard the door open and then I began to fade back out. I faded to the land of my fantasies.

"You know it was the Queen," Lester spat. "She wanted her dead. If the Princess' father never returns from France, she takes the throne. How do we know that the King isn't already dead at the Queen's hand?"

"We don't know," Tank said grimly. "We need to find out. A couple of us need to stay here and continue our work. We need to send someone to France and to Spain and someone…someone needs to go to the Castle and find out what is going on with the Queen and Prince Ricardo."

"I want the Queen," Lester said coldly. "Give me the Queen."

"I'll take France," Ram said. "I think we should wait on Spain till Lester comes back with some news of whether the Prince is still about."

"You're right," Tank agreed. "We leave on the morrow."

"I'm leaving now," Lester said and started off on foot.

It appeared that one of the merry men were in charge of guarding me all the time. I heard the voices of Cal, Hal, Bobby, Tank and Woody at various times. In my confusion I thought I heard other voices that were just as familiar. I heard Lula and Connie. I heard Grandma. I even thought I heard my parent's voices. It seemed that a long time went by.

Then once again I heard them together, "the Prince did not leave. He was at the castle," Lester said clearly. "I have told him all that Princess Stephanie has told us and he comes to us. He wants to be sure that she is his beloved.

"He's coming here," Tank said tiredly.

"He needs to see her," Lester said.

"What about the Queen?"

"She will be dealt with after he sees the princess."

"If she is wise, she'll take her own poison," Bobby said softly.

I heard a horse and footsteps. The hairs on the back of my neck again stood up and I knew he was there. My Prince had come. Kiss me already, I groaned inwardly. I wanted to give him my very best eye roll, but when your eyes are closed in death or coma…that's not really an option.

"Babe," he whispered, "Stephanie…please wake up. Please don't die. I need you. Please Stephanie." His lips touched mine and the two worlds began to swirl together. The real world and the world of my imagination began to dance back and forth. I could see both of them and I had to make a choice. A real Ranger is better than a pretend Ranger any day of the week, especially if he kept his promises.

I struggled to open my eyes and met Ranger's chocolate brown eyes awash with tears. "Ric…"

"Oh God," he groaned, "Stephanie…oh God Babe…you're alive."

"Want to talk about these changes," I managed.

He blinked at me in shock, "er…yea."

"I love you," I said tiredly.

"I love you," he whispered. "Stay with me."

"Forever?"

"At least that long," he said softly as his lips touched mine again.

I smiled.

"What?"

"I love happy endings."

"Babe…"


End file.
